Running with Scissors

Sara Peterson-Davis has worked as a newspaper researcher and reporter, as well as a communications director and consultant. She and her husband, Monty Davis, can be found in Liberty, Mo., keeping their two children from running with scissors. Contact Sara

And the Survey Says?

by Sara Peterson-Davis

Now that the party conventions are over and the candidates have been chosen, the election season is off and running.

For the next two months, the television will be full of nothing but political ads for everyone from the presidential to county sheriff candidates. It wouldn’t be so bad if I could just turn off the television to get away for a while, but there are direct mail postcards, the door-to-door canvassers and the telephone surveyors.

I’d do about anything to avoid the pain, and I know the candidates would do about anything to get my vote. That’s why I’m developing Sara’s Vote-O-Matic 2008.

This space-age survey system could save my sanity and the political candidates a load of time and money. All they have to do is answer a few questions and two minutes later we’ll both know if they have a chance at my vote:

Here’s a sample:

Welcome to Sara’s Vote-O-Matic Survey 2008. This completely unscientific and arbitrary survey system was developed to help Sara make up her mind this election year.

Please answer the following questions as honestly as possible. While you might find that difficult, be assured your answers will only be held up to ridicule by the staff of Sara’s Vote-O-Matic, their family members, friends and casual acquaintances. Circle only one answer per question. Multiple answers, flip-flopping and waffling just annoy us. Please be advised that while brown-nosing is mildly amusing, we at Sara’s Vote-O-Matic just didn’t fall off the turnip truck.

So, let’s begin:

Question 1: I am running for office because:
A: I want to make a difference.
B: I want to bring change to government.
C: I know what’s good for everyone else.
D: I’ve heard the golf weekends are awesome.

Question 2: My favorite meal is:
A: Steak and potatoes
B: Sushi
C: Anything with antlers
D: Anything on the Hooters menu

Question 3: Which of the following Hollywood heroes would best describe you? A: Indiana Jones
B. Sara Connor
C: Dirty Harry Callahan
D. Ferris Buhler

Question 4: If you were a pair of shoes, which of the following would you be? A: Something sensible
B. Something comfortable
C: Something with heavy soles
D. Anything by Chuck Taylor

Question 5: If I could change one thing about myself, I would:
A: Lower my cholesterol
B. Get a new hairstyle
C. Erase my fingerprints
D. Get a smokin’ new tattoo

Question 6: If you were a musician who would you be?
A: Garth Brooks
B: Bruce Springsteen
C: Toby Keith
D: Brett Michaels

Question 7: Which of the following vehicles would best describe you?
A: Ford Crown Victoria
B: Toyota Prius
C: Humvee
D: Anything that runs that costs under $750

Question 8: Which of the follow soft drinks best describes you?
A: Nehi
B: Coke
C: Pepsi
D: Amped

While I’m still working out the kinks, I’m leaning toward the candidates who answer D most often. I know it sounds crazy, but somebody with those answers would represent a real change.

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