Running with Scissors

Sara Peterson-Davis has worked as a newspaper researcher and reporter, as well as a communications director and consultant. She and her husband, Monty Davis, can be found in Liberty, Mo., keeping their two children from running with scissors. Contact Sara

Greetings By the Numbers

As I’ve said before, I have issues with Christmas letters. I always have the feeling I’m not getting the whole story when I’m reading the “good” news on all that parchment paper bordered with Christmas trees.

I know for a fact that it’s just one person’s view of the past year. Oh sure, whosever writing the letter might ask someone else in the family their opinion of the final product, but anyone with any sense at all knows to say “sounds great!” lest they get roped into writing it themselves.

That’s why in this mid-term election year, I propose Christmas letter writers hire pollsters to get the real mood of their family this holiday season. A pollster-generated letter might go something like this:

Merry Christmas and Season’s Greetings from 40 percent* of the Krup Family, specifically Dave and Angie. Another 40 percent of Krups — the couple’s two youngest children 12-year-old Jacob and 7-year-old Katie — demonstrated total disinterest in expressing any type holiday greeting. Another 20 percent of Krups, Dave and Angie’s 17-year-old Emily, are boycotting Christmas because of it’s blatant commercialism and because her parents aren’t giving her a car this Christmas.

Pollsters discovered that the Krups have differing opinions on whether or not 2006 was a good year. About 60 percent Krups polled said 2006 was a good year. Another 20 percent of Krups experienced a moderate level of dissatisfaction with 2006 after realizing that they had entered middle age without ever noticing. The final 20 percent said the past year “reeked” because “I LIKE DON’T HAVE A CAR OF MY OWN!”

For many of you who only hear from the Krups this time of year, you might have noticed their new address on the envelope. When polled, 40 percent of the Krups surveyed expressed satisfaction with their new home in Moose Hoof, Maine. Another 40 percent, made up specifically of Jacob and Katie, expressed moderate dissatisfaction with Moose Hoof, saying the town “really stinks.” Further research found that the town actually does stink due to a fish-processing facility three blocks from the Krup family home. The final 20 percent of Krups expressed deep dissatisfaction with the greater Moose Hoof-area stating, “NOBODY ASKED ME IF I WANTED TO MOVE! WHY MOOSE HOOF? WHY NOT ANTARCTICA? I HATE MY PARENTS!”

This summer the Krups went on a family camping vacation to the Grand Canyon. Polls revealed only 20 percent of the Krups enjoyed the two-week camping trip through the American Southwest. Another 20 percent thought the trip was a living hell, stating “I can’t believe I married a man so cheap he wouldn’t spring for a motel room at least once in 14 days.” Another 40 percent of Krups, expressed the opinion that the whole trip “seriously sucked because it wasn’t Orlando.” The final 20 percent expressed the deepest degree of dissatisfaction, stating “I’LL LIKE DIVE OFF THE GRAND CANYON BEFORE I’LL GET BACK IN THE CAR AGAIN WITH THOSE PEOPLE FOR TWO WEEKS! I HATE MY FAMILY!”

In the past year, the Krups adopted a homeless kitten, Muffin, from the Moose Hoof Animal Shelter. Eighty percent of Krups expressed an intense dislike for the family’s new pet, stating “Muffin? That cat’s name should be Spawn of Satan.” The remaining 20 percent of Krups expressed intense affection for Muffin, stating “FINALLY, A LIVING BEING WHO UNDERSTANDS ME!”

In wishing all recipients of this letter a Happy New Year, 100 percent of Krups expressed complete insincerity.

So we at Acme Pollsters, LLC would like to wish you and yours a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

*(Please note: this poll has a margin of error of 3 to 5 percentage points.)

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