Running with Scissors

Sara Peterson-Davis has worked as a newspaper researcher and reporter, as well as a communications director and consultant. She and her husband, Monty Davis, can be found in Liberty, Mo., keeping their two children from running with scissors. Contact Sara

A Sno-ball’s Chance

by Sara Peterson-Davis

As the old saying goes: the road to Hell was paved with good intentions.

And when I go to the grocery store I have good intentions. I have intentions of buying good, healthy food for my family. I have intentions of buying only whole grain, organic and minimally processed food with no trans fats, high fructose corn syrup or artificial anything. But sometimes I see the sale on Doritos and Chips Ahoy and things just go straight to… well you get the picture.

The truth is I love junk food. What can I say? I am a product of my environment.

I grew up in the 1970s, when Tang was considered just as good as real orange juice, Super Sugar Crisps were a part of a healthy breakfast and Snickers were healthier than most candy bars because they had peanuts.

I love just about anything that’s been crushed, squeezed, extruded, refined, colored, sweetened, whipped and sculpted, then covered with powdered cheese or sugary icing.

Oh sure, all the good-for-me stuff still makes it into my shopping cart, but sometimes the bad stuff finds its way in there too. The fun-sized candy bars get nestled in with the whole wheat pasta and the cheese puffs hide under the bag salads and fresh fruit. Oh and don’t forget the frozen pizza bites camouflaged by the cartons of the non-fat yogurt.

Right now I’m coming off a two-week junk food binge. It happens to me every few months. Well, binge is too strong of a word. It implies that I am not discriminating. I am refined in my junk food tastes.

For instance, when I snarf on a bag of cheese puffs they’d better be crunchy Cheetos. Forget the Toastems or store brands, if I’m going to enjoy a toaster pastry it should be PopTarts, preferably chocolate fudge. And if you’re going to get head freeze it better be with a real cherry Icee.

I digress. I knew that I’d gone from recreational sampling and tipped to a full-scale junk food binging when I found myself wolfing down some soft and chewy Chips Ahoy cookies right from the package. I know I’ve crossed the line when I start eating junk food I don’t even like.

Anyway, when I get to my “soft and chewy” stage its time to put an end to a junkfoodapolooza. And the best way to end it is by eating something so junky, so unreal that it’s up for scientific depart whether any part of it was ever found in nature.

My food of choice is the Hostess Sno-ball, a crème-filled devil’s food cake covered with marshmallow and neon pink coconut.

For me, Sno-balls are the absolute pinnacle of junk food. I love them.

Tomorrow I’ll probably drop by my corner convenience store and pick up a package and get back to my normally relatively healthy eating habits.

I suppose if I started with Sno-balls in the first place, my junk food binges would probably start and stop with one tasty treat. But then there’s that good intentions thing again.

Which means, in my case at least, a Sno-Ball just might have a chance in Hell.

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