Running with Scissors

Sara Peterson-Davis has worked as a newspaper researcher and reporter, as well as a communications director and consultant. She and her husband, Monty Davis, can be found in Liberty, Mo., keeping their two children from running with scissors. Contact Sara

You've Got Personality

by Sara Peterson-Davis

I just can’t help it. I’m a sucker for those “discover the real you” personality tests in magazines and on the Internet.

If I put all the results I’ve ever gotten from the dozens of tests I’ve taken since I was 17, I’m introverted and extroverted, hopelessly disorganized but a master of detail, and look best in clothing from an autumn color pallet.

There’s nothing like the 10-minute rush of deep self-understanding I get after taking one of these quizzes.

But last week I took my final personality test. I say “final” because if this one is right, I have all the personality of a lawn chair – and not a very well constructed one at that. Not exactly what I wanted to hear after I invested a whole 20 minutes answering three dozen or so yes/no questions in my pajamas.

But before I swear off these tests altogether, I’ve decided to make my own. After years of taking, I’ve decided to do a little giving.

So here goes.

The Peterson-Davis Personality Finder
(Circle the letter you feel best describe you.)

1. If you were a pair of shoes, which would best describe you?
(a) hobnail
(b) flip-flops
(c) Jimmy Cho
(d) tragically out of style

2. If you chose the animal that best describes you, it would be?
(a) rabid wolf
(b) walrus
(c) Chihuahua
(d) amoeba

3. If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go?
(a) an undisclosed location
(b) to the happy place in my head
(c) The Mall of America
(d) Oklahoma

4. If you could participate in the Winter Olympics, which event would you choose?
(a) biathlon, with an automatic rifle
(b) snowboarding
(c) perish the thought
(d) curling

5. If you could have any career on the planet, which would you choose?
(a) Blackwater contractor
(b) sleep lab participant
(c) Who? Me? Work?
(d) bean counter, literally

6. If you could have anything for dinner, which would you order?
(a) something off the endangered species list
(b) extreme pizza
(c) eat?
(d) dry toast

7. If you could meet one newsmaker, who would it be?
(a) Dick Cheney
(b) SpongeBob Squarepants
(c) Lindsay Lohan’s former hairdresser
(d) Democratic presidential candidate Rep. Dennis Kucinich

8. Of the following magazines, which would you most likely subscribe?
(a) Soldier of Fortune
(b) Transworld Skateboarding
(c) Elle, Glamour, Vogue (who can survive on just one?)
(d) Aquarium Fish

9. If you had a dog, what would you most likely name it?
(a) Attila
(b) Cat
(c) Paris
(d) Spot

10. When something upsets you, how are you most likely to react?
(a) Hunt down the offending party and make them suffer.
(b) Just chill
(c) Shop
(d) Transform into a doormat

Now let’s look at the results.

Abrams Tank — If you circled mostly “a,” you’re a force to be reckoned with. Your gung-ho, take-charge approach to life often has people running for cover, literally. You rarely take “no” for an answer. Even with waterboarding no longer at your disposal, you can almost always “persuade” someone to give you what you want.

Human Labrador Retriever — If you circled mostly “b,” you’re probably not housebroken. If you haven’t already, move into your parent’s basement and stock up on the bologna, Wonder bread, Ding Dongs and Doritos. Playful and lovable with an attention span to match, you have been known to slobber.

Wading Pool— If you circled mostly “c,” you’re about as deep as a puddle. You’re higher maintenance than a nuclear power plant after an earthquake. You’re not self-centered as long as everyone is talking about you. And it’s not that you don’t care about important issues like the crisis in Darfur and Pakistan, but it’s difficult for you to focus when so many people in the news footage need manicures and pedicures.

DOA— If you circled mostly “d,” you’ve probably bored yourself to death. Get a life!

If your answers were a smattering of “a’s” through “d’s,” like most people you’ve got a personality that just refuses to be so easily defined and neatly pigeonholed.

But then what do I know, I’m just lawn furniture.

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