Running with Scissors

Sara Peterson-Davis has worked as a newspaper researcher and reporter, as well as a communications director and consultant. She and her husband, Monty Davis, can be found in Liberty, Mo., keeping their two children from running with scissors. Contact Sara

CSI: My House

by Sara Peterson-Davis

Note: If you are one of those people who keep their home so hermetically clean that germs and clutter don’t even consider moving in, then please don’t read this week’s column. It will only make you feel more superior than is right and seemly. Instead, spend the time reading an article about anti-bacterial sprays or search for any rogue dust bunnies that might have crept under your refrigerator overnight.

When I closed our front door behind me last Wednesday as we left for a spring break getaway, I winced.

After three days with the kids home on spring break, our house looked like a crime scene. I didn’t want to think about it, but I couldn’t help but wonder what crime scene investigators might hypothesize if they were called to look the place over while we were gone.

Official Report: 13:23, April 5, 2007
Filed By: Det. Galen Kravitz

Officer Johnson and I were called to the Davis residence by a neighbor who observed a pair of children’s pajama tangled in the living room mini blinds, and was concerned about the family’s welfare.

We entered the dwelling and found no one inside. The living room was in a state of disarray, consistent with a great deal of confusion and a possible struggle. Pillows, shoes, books and magazines were strewn across the floor and a footstool was tipped over near the couch. Its position was consistent with either someone using it to fight off an intruder or as a mini trampoline to jump on the couch.

Officer Johnson recovered half of a microwave burrito from under the recliner in the corner of the room, along with samples of various sugary cereals. I discovered several sets of fingerprints on and around the television set. They were nearly impossible to retrieve considering that whoever left them must have been covered in peanut butter and grape jelly.

Moving to the kitchen, we found evidence that the home had been ransacked. Nearly every door and drawer in the room was completely or partially open and the contents scattered throughout the room. It was difficult to tell what any intruders might have been searching for, but they had been thorough.

I believed I had found some blood spatter on the cupboard door, but upon further inspection it turned out to be some type of marinara sauce.

An inspection of the refrigerator revealed numerous containers filled with leftovers and takeout boxes. If these people had ever seen a fresh piece of fruit or a vegetable there was no evidence of it here. After looking over the refrigerator’s contents, Officer Johnson asked if we shouldn’t write up the residence for manufacturing bootleg penicillin in all that Tupperware.

Moving on to the master bedroom, we found the closet and dresser drawers in much the same condition as the kitchen. Whoever had been here had pawed through everything like a rabid wolverine.

In the bathroom, we observed a large amount of toothpaste splatter on the mirror. Officer Johnson theorized that someone had tried to leave a message using their toothbrush. On further inspection though revealed that hit-or-miss oral hygiene was a more likely scenario.

Moving on down the hallway to the two other bedrooms, Johnson observed framed school portraits - of a boy about 12 and a girl about 8 – hanging on the wall.

An inspection of the children’s rooms revealed evidence that changed the course of our investigation. Further inspection of the family’s calendar revealed that the children were on spring break and the family had scheduled a brief family vacation.

Upon realizing that this family did not fall victim to a crime but were merely disorganized slobs, Johnson and I moved to leave the dwelling as quickly as possible.

Although no charges could be filed in connection with anything we uncovered, it is the opinion of Officer Johnson and myself that leaving a house in that condition ought to be a crime.

CLICK HERE FOR ARCHIVES TO SARA'S COLUMNS