Running with Scissors

Sara Peterson-Davis has worked as a newspaper researcher and reporter, as well as a communications director and consultant. She and her husband, Monty Davis, can be found in Liberty, Mo., keeping their two children from running with scissors. Contact Sara

Goin’ to the Chapel

by Sara Peterson-Davis

It’s the season for weddings.

Between now and the end of September, many of us will find ourselves sitting in church pews, wearing uncomfortable clothes, looking on as family members, friends, children of friends, co-workers and mere acquaintances exchange wedding vows.

Last weekend, I kicked off the wedding season at the nuptials of a dear friend.

The bride was beautiful in an ivory strapless gown. The groom was handsome in black suit and boutonniere. The ceremony was simple and elegant.

I sat attentively as the minister spoke about love, faith, hope and charity, but my mind started to wander, as it often does, when my friend and her husband-to-be started exchanging vows.

I know it was rude but I just couldn’t help it. I’ve been married for nearly 16 years and in that time I’ve come to realize that most wedding vows are too lofty, too big picture for the realities of marriage.

It’s been said that the devil is in the details and I believe that’s exactly what wedding vows should address. Oh, sickness and health, rich and poor, for better or worse, forsaking all others are important talking points, but I think few specifics examples are in order for the happy couple to be fully prepared for their lives together.

As an active participant and firm believer in marriage, I’d rewrite my wedding vows to go a little something like this:

Pastor: (Insert name of bride) and (Insert name of groom), if it is your intention to share with each other your joys and sorrows and all that the years bring, with your promises bind yourselves to each other as husband and wife listen carefully and repeat after me:

I take you, (Insert name of groom), to be my husband from this day forward, to join with you and share all that is to come, I promise to: Always overcome the urge to write exactly how I feel on my forehead or, better yet, on your forehead in permanent marker so you can’t say, “I had no idea you felt that way.” Remember that you really don’t care what the topic on Oprah was today. Not consider divorce when you actually leave me home with the flu because you understand the true meaning of, “No, go on. I’ll be fine here all by myself.” Try and understand why a grown man sometimes thinks cups, bowls and orange peels belong under the sofa, instead of in the kitchen sink or trash cans. Not get angry when we’re traveling and you insist on turning on the radio while I’m trying to nap. Always be faithful to you despite the fact that I will sometimes fantasize about the Brawny paper towel guy because he knows how to clean the bathroom.

I take you, (Insert name of bride), to be my wife from this day forward, to join with you and share all that is to come, I promise to:

—Understand that being on time is a genetic impossibility for you.

—Remember that you are oblivious to the fact that the “E” on a car’s gas gauge stands for empty.

—Understand that you won’t intentionally forget to get what I want and need at the store. It’s that you simply can’t remember to take the grocery list with you to the store.

—Never complain that you can’t stay conscious in a moving car for more than 20 minutes.

—Be patient and understand you don’t believe I’m serious when I say, “I never want to walk into another Wal-mart as long as I live.”

—Not consider divorce when you make snarky comments about my taste in shirts, furniture, wallpaper and movies.

I, (bride and groom state their names), promise before God and in the presence of this congregation, to bind myself to you as husband/wife. As your husband/wife I promise to:

—Attend family reunions and class reunions with you, no matter how painful, without complaint.

—Only take my share of the covers each night, unless you would like them all.

—Be there for you when you have the stomach flu, no matter how disgusting things might get.

—Never ask “are you really going to wear that tonight.”

Because I know in my heart there isn’t anyone in this world I’d rather love or be loved by, anyone I’d rather annoy or be annoyed by, anyone I’d rather lose an argument to.

Pastor: Those whom God has joined together let no one put asunder. Amen.

Now those are some vows that would get my attention.

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